There are days when I consider changing the title of my blog but then times like this make me realize I always end up in the same place. Humpty Dumpty is back, and I seriously doubt anyone can put me back together 'in time' for my race.
Anyone still reading my blog already knows I am injured. I do not know how or exactly why I am injured. I did not have a specific moment in time when the injury happened. Actually the only time I have ever had that was when I sprained my ankle 1.5 years ago. That was an easy one. One wrong step, ankle twists, immediate pain. Right now my problem is LEFT hip and LEFT knee related. Not my typical side I realize. I don't think my awesome 20 miler last week had anything to do with it as I ran twice fine after that. It might have more to do with the amount of miles....maybe. I totally suck at describing my pain or localizing it. I know it hurts and it seems like it is coming from somewhere in my groin/hip. My knee is also killing me so is that b/c I keep trying to run injured and my gait is off and so now other things hurt or is there referred pain either knee to hip or hip to knee. I feel like I have a few spots on my hip that hurts. The side hurts which could be IT band and maybe fixed with steroid shot?? Then something deeper. Maybe a steroid shot under fluoroscopy in the hip joint itself??? Can you tell I am banking on steroids being my answer (well first I am banking on lots and lots of praying to God). The hard part is that what started out as one pain is starting to cause so many other pains. The hip hurt. Then the knee started to kill. Now the compartment syndrome is back. While running, I limp b/c the hip and knee and I can't lift my foot for a couple miles until the compartment syndrome goes away, and then I slap my foot down putting more total force on my knee and hip and well you see the cycle I am stuck in............
Here is how my training week went:
Monday: starting having pain on Sunday night. Was trying hard not to panic so wasn't terribly upset but thought I better take an extra day off. I rested.
Tuesday: Always a rest day.
Wednesday: Wanted to so 6 miles. I went out. It hurt. My stride felt all wrong. I ended up only doing 4.2 miles but that was as much my stomachs fault as it was my leg. This is when I really started to panic and admit that whatever was causing my pain was unlikely to just go away in my sleep.
Thursday: I ran 5 miles on my home T-mill. I ran one..stopped. Ran another mile...stopped. My hip hurt but what stopped me at the time was the compartment syndrome. I wait my usual few minutes in excruciating pain b/c my lower leg in front is so tight you think it could explode and then it gets better. I ran the last 3 miles without stopping. My pace however was never faster than 8:49. I also saw my PT Shane. He feels like I need to get a bone scan before steroids to make sure I don't have a stress fracture. I don't think either of us think I actually have one but with my history of 2 stress fractures (never on the left though) best to make sure. I tried to set it up for for Thursday/Friday but could not get in so now waiting until Wednesday b/c I work Monday and Tuesday and while I see this as some sort of personal crisis I don't think my partners/patients would see it that way so I can't miss work.
Friday: I went to gym and rode the bike. I have never had an injury to date where the bike hurt me. I would not say it hurt this day either, but I was more bothered by the seat compared to normal. It hurt my butt on the left way more than normal. I rode for an hour.
Saturday: I met up with Cathy and we ran along 131st street. She was only going 7 but I had planned to keep going for a total of 12. I went 7 and stopped at that b/c it was hurting. My hip and my knee and from miles 2-4 my lower legs hurt. Our pace was 8:25. Aside from running with Cathy which is always great I did enjoy when a car stopped and waited for us to catch up and there I saw Alvaro blowing me kisses out the window. His smiling face is always a welcome one. He is getting ready to do his first marathon in a few weeks. Wishing him all the best!!!
Sunday: Set the alarm. Was planning on a second attempt at the failed 12 miles. My leg hurt all night so I just laid there thinking and thinking and thinking once the alarm went off. I got up twice and laid back down. I didn't know what to do. Clark didn't know what to say. He tried the "you probably shouldn't run if it hurts that bad" approach. He tried the "maybe you could take some percocet (left over from my 2010 surgery) and try and run" approach. He tried the "you won't lose too much by taking a few days off" approach. At that point I knew he was lying and just wanted him to stop talking! I got up and tried to run around the bedroom. It all hurt so I knew that even if I got dressed and went outside I wouldn't make it past the neighbor's house. So here I am blogging a "feel sorry for me post."
I am devastated. Heart broken. Sad. Depressed. Frustrated. Did I mention sad b/c I think that is the best descriptive word for how I feel. I start crying all the time. I have been here and done this and know exactly how it goes. I don't handle injury well. I know that nobody will understand (okay that is not exactly fair...only a handful and that is a very very small handful) of people will understand. When my bone scan is normal there will be people who think this is all in my head. Most will think it is stupid to care so much about something that in the grand scheme of life is not that important. While I understand that point of view, to ME this is important and no matter how trivial it may seem to someone else to ME it is sad.
I am trying to find some comfort in the fact that I have been blessed with the ability to run consistently without a break in my training for the last 11 months. That is the longest I have been injury (something enough to stop me) free since I had a stress fracture last September. I was getting better. I was faster. I was able to do lots of long runs. REALLY....what is it about fall that causes me to FALL apart? 2010 hip labral tear. No running in October. Surgery in Nov. 2011 stress fracture in September. No running in October. 2012 hip pain....who knows about running in October. Probably one of the best months to run from a weather standpoint and I am NEVER running in October.
So anyhow, this is where things stand with me. I am spending a lot of time praying to God. Of course I am selfishly praying that he heals my leg and I run the race I want to run in November. I also pray that if that is not his will for my life right now that he wraps me in his arms and at least helps me mentally deal with this without spending the next several weeks in a slump crying all the time. I also pray that God gives me the strength to continue to cheer on my friends and be genuinely happy for their running accomplishments instead of bitter and jealous. I will probably completely unplug from facebook for the time being b/c it is tough to read about it so much. I will have nothing but negative status updates based on how I am feeling.
While I have experienced many runner highs, this my friends is a runner's low, and unless you have a true passion for running (or any sport/activity) and then have had an injury stop you, you do not understand!
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